Pooplog

When I was in fourth grade, I had a really stylish brown outfit. It had a little shirt with flowers on it and brown stretch pants, I think the whole thing was ribbed.
One day my classmates and I were in line doing something and this kid, AJ (who always had anger management problems), said something mean to me, then i said something smart-assed back, and I guess that embarrassed him because...
He called me "Pooplog".

The rest of the day he harassed me calling me "Pooplog".

Then came the threat. He told me that he was going to get me after school, and I knew he was a violent kid, so I was scared.
The cool thing to do in grade school was be in Glee Club, yes Glee Club. A lot of the kids in my class were in Glee Club, including AJ. I remember being so nervous because he kept catching my eye and laughing evil-y, and of course on that day we got let out early. That meant my parents were not going to be waiting outside for me.

When we finally got outside, I booked it. I was quick, but I guess because there wasn't really anywhere for me to go, AJ caught me.The bastard pushed me up against a tree and hit me over the head with his bookbag. Then ran home.

I was sitting up again a fence crying, waiting for someone to pick me up when my dad pulled up.
I told him what happened and he was PPPPPIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEDDDD! He said something along the lines of, "Where does that little fucker live?!" I didn't want my dad to go to AJ's house (I wish I had let him now) so I didn't tell him where he lived.
Moral of the story: Don't make your kids go to school wearing a shit brown outfit.

Grandpa Lockheartless

My great grandfather was a real a-hole. He wore an oxygen tube because I think he had emphysema or something, he was always cold, and there was something wrong with his fingers because, I swear on my life, he was always giving the middle finger. As I stated in my previous blog "Pool Noodles", my brother, my cousin, and I spent a lot of time at my grandmom's house, she was the lucky one who got to take care of Grandpa Lockhart.
She would make us dinner, make us sit at the dinner table with grandpa Lockhart, and ditch us. He was such an a-hole he would just sit there and scold us and give us dirty looks and we would just laugh at him. When he picked up his fork his middle finger was standing straight up and we thought this was hilarious (because it was and still is!).
He hated the sound of laughter. We would be playing in the den and if he heard us having a remotely good time he would yell from his room, "Shut up you kids!" or "Quiet down in there you bastards!" We of course continued to play and we probably laughed harder because of this.

One day my brother and I came up with the good idea to step on Grandpa Lockhart's oxygen tube as revenge for being such a dick. We stood on it for a couple seconds until we heard him start to cough, then we would run away laughing.I'm not sure if this is an urban legend, or if it actually happened, but my brother and cousin told me that one time they were at my grandma's house and he was pooping in the bathroom with the door cracked and when he was finished he yelled, "Marie! Wipe me!"

She must not have done that great of a job wiping him because I found baby powder scented vaseline in the medicine cabinet that was for grandpa's itchy butthole.

One night, towards the end of grandpa Lockhart's miserable life he called us into his room one by one. As I stated before, he was always cold and he had a space heater that would give his room an eery orange glow. We each went into his room where he told us that he wasn't going to be around forever and the medicine was the only thing keeping him alive. Creepy.

After that we all giggled and made fun of him before we went to bed.R.I.P Grandpa Lockhart

Lesbian Picnic

My aunt Tina is crazy, in a good way. She calls herself "Crazy Spinster Aunt Tina". We've been on many adventures with her, but one in particular stands out in my mind. One day, when I was about 8 and my brother was about 5 she took us into the city. We were really excited because she said we were going to go on this hike with this park ranger who had pink hair, and we thought the idea of having pink hair was CRAZY! So we hung out at her apartment and played with Sculpey for a while and then it was time to go. We stopped at Wawa and grabbed some hoagies and went and picked her friend up from work.
We we got to this forrest-y place we were walking down a trail and being silly imitating this commercial that used to be on where a guy would say, "It smells like a... Petunia!" Then were started yelling the name Princess Petunia, we may have added some "RIIIIIICCCCCOOOOOLLLLLAAAAA!!!!!" in there just for the hell of it. This was going to be a good night. Until we got closer to the group of people we were going to be hanging out with.

Out of no where this big breasted topless woman with a shaved head comes running over to us with her boobs bouncing everywhere yelling, "TINA!"

We froze in horror. Immediately we wanted to go home.

Well, we weren't going home any time soon so we tried to occupy ourselves by crying and playing frisbee with one another talking about how much we missed our mom.

The topless lady and the pink haired "park ranger" were trying to cheer us us by force feeding us Oreos and singing some weird Oreo song that must have been from an old commercial, but we were terrified. They were really nice people.

Eventually we calmed down a bit (I think the lady finally put her shirt back on) and we went down to a creek where my brother fell in.
Then when it got darker a lady with nothing but a vest, pants and sunglasses decided to serenade us with her saxophone.
She went over into clear by herself and played the night away.
When we got home (late of course) my parents FREAKED OUT! They were so pissed that my aunt Tina brought to a topless lesbian picnic.

Dirt + Pee = Mud

Growing up we had this kick ass swing set in out backyard. We spent countless hours on that thing. I guess we swung too high because the thing would actually lift out of the ground, my dad must have thought that was too dangerous or something so he decided to pour cement onto the poles. So instead of the swing set lifting out of the ground there were these huge, rocky cement blocks about a foot wide jutting out just waiting for us to stub our toes or bash our head on.
One summer day my parents had our neighbors over for a little BBQ and they were all sitting around in a circle chit chatting.

Because I was always starving for attention I came up with a GREAT idea! I was a genius. I would make them laugh so hard and everyone would think I was soooo funny and they would pat me on the back and tell me that my stunt was classic.

So I stood under the swing set where the grass was worn away and there was nothing but dirt and pissed through my bathing suit all over the dirt. There was piss mud splashing all over my ankles, but I knew this was hilarious.
Everyone looked at me, shocked and horrified and appalled.
My parents yelled at me and I was HUMILATED! How dare them yell at me in front of our neighbors! I was entertaining them by putting on a comedy show for poop's sake!
I ran away crying with piss mud all over my legs and I'm sure I had piss running down my leg as well. I ran into my room dramatically and cried with embarrassment in my bed.I hope I washed my sheets before I went to bed.

Pool Noodles

Growing up me, my brother and my cousin spent many weekends at my grandmom's house. Across the street lived this disgusting, fat, sweaty creeper. We hated him, and he hated me and my brother. I once had a dream when I was little that I stabbed him in the arm with a fork, no lie. Anywho, one time he mooned us and we saw his man bits and another time my grandmom forced us to go over his house to meet his pet parrot, the stupid bird kept saying, "Yeah Baby!" What a creeper. I guess he spotted us from across the street and decided it would be cool to come over and ruin our fun with his fatness.
I'm not positive about what we were doing, but I'm sure it had something to do with dancing or making up stupid songs, or doing cartwheels, who knows. Me and my brother always had really bad hair because we have cowlicks all over our head and I think my mom thought it would be a good idea to put a bowl on my brother's head and cut around it (just kidding), but really he had a bowl cut and I had greasy bangs of steel (I know I spelled steel wrong in the picture).
As soon as we spotted him we knew he was going to waddle over and say something mean even though he was the same age as our parents and I don't know why he wanted to spend his time torturing kids.

He probably said something like, Hey kids! I just shit myself!" and we were like, "Surprise, Surprise" and then he was like, "Hey, do you guys like Hootie and the Blowfish?" and we were probably like, "Yeah, I guess so you fat idiot." and he was like, "Well, you guys are stupid because... HOOTIE BLOWS!" and we were like, "Shut the eff up you douche bag."

Actually, I have no idea what went down, but whatever happened it pissed us off.
So we grabbed pool noodles and beat the shit out of him. I remember just whacking the shit out of him and he was trapped in the middle of us and couldn't escape. We just beat the living shit out of him.

And he tattled on us...
And we got lectured...

And punished...But my grandmom had no control over us, we were a wild bunch.